What's the Deal with Arthur?
by Owennumber1fan
Summary: Jerry Seinfeld comes to Elwood City to film a 'Magic Toolbox' segment and brings his pals from New York with him. Cowritten with MovieBrat.
1. Kid's show Kraziness

"It's funny, but even though I'm only eight years old, I've met a lot of strange people" Arthur said "like when Charlie Brown and his friends came to visit. His dog Snoopy acted just like a regular person, it was surreal. And when the Simpsons came to town, well, do I really have to say anything? Not only did they not look like anyone I've ever met, but their habits were strange as well."

"Of course, strange isn't a bad thing. Look at Buster, he believes in aliens and all sorts of stuff, yet he's still my best friend. Or take Sue Ellen. When her family first moved here, we all thought she was weird. But now, everybody likes her."

"So as you can see, with all that, you'd think I wouldn't be surprised by anything weird" he continued "but last week, I met maybe the strangest group of people yet."

Suddenly, Kramer opened the door to his room. "Hurry up Arthur, we have to meet at Frank's house for Festivus" he said.

"See what I mean?" Arthur asked, as he faced the readers.

-----

In a comedy club, Jerry Seinfeld was doing his act.

"Have you ever seen these kid's shows they have nowadays?" he asked "the hosts seem to act like kids are complete morons or something. They're always 'what color is this?' and then they pause, like they expect the kid to think it over. Meanwhile the kid watching this show is probably like 'okay it's blue, can we move on please? How about teaching me something I can actually use, like long division?'"

"My favorite one is this _Dora the Explorer, _with the little Spanish girl and the monkey. Forget Spanish, what that show really teaches you is that you can walk around in the woods unsupervised and not be attacked by wild animals. Yeah that would happen in real life. Just once I'd like to see a leopard or something attack her, now that would be a fun show. 'Can you say puncture wound?'"

-----

In his apartment in New York, Jerry was packing his bags when there was a buzz on the intercom.

"Who is it?"

"George"

"Come on up" Jerry said.

Within minutes, George Costanza was in the apartment.

"So Jerry, you up for a trip to Monk's?" he asked.

"Ah, I can't, I've got a thing."

"A thing? What kind of thing?"

"Well, you remember my agent Katie?"

"The one that set you up at the school talent show?" George asked.

"Uh-huh" Jerry said, "well this time she got me a gig doing a spot on _the Magic Toolbox_."

"_Magic Toolbox?" _George asked.

"It's some kind of kid's show about dancing tools or something" Jerry explained "anyway, they have these segments where kids talk about different topics, and this week's one is comedy. So I have to go to this Elwood City place to film it."

"Dancing tools" George scoffed "I remember the shows we watched as kids were much better. I always liked _Sesame Street. _Now there was a show; you could learn letters and numbers and there were colorful characters to look at. I remember my dad would always complain about Oscar. I think maybe he thought they based the character on him."

"A dirty, hairy guy who yells at everyone? I can see that" Jerry replied.

"Why are you doing a kids show anyway?" George asked, "I thought you hated kids."

"I don't hate them, I just think they're annoying" Jerry replied.

Just then there was a knock at the door. Jerry went to open it and found himself face to face with his sworn enemy.

"Hello Jerry"

"Hello…Newman" Jerry replied.

"I heard through the grapevine that you're going to be on _the Magic Toolbox_" Newman said "I'm looking forward to watching your performance, so I can see you crash and burn in front of all those children!"

"Okay, first of all, what is this grapevine?" Jerry asked "secondly, I find it hard to believe someone like you would watch _the Magic Toolbox_. You seem more like a _Sesame Street_ man, seeing as how you look like Cookie Monster."

"Scoff all you like Jerry, but you'll make a mistake in front of those children" Newman replied "and when you do, I'll be watching and laughing!"

So saying, Newman took his leave of the apartment.

"There is something really wrong with that guy" Jerry told George.

"Are you sure you have to leave immediately?" George asked "we can't stop at Monk's for like, a minute? Two minutes? Five minutes Jerry, that's all I ask!"

"Okay, I guess we can pick up some breakfast before I go" Jerry said.

As they headed out, Kramer burst into the room.

"Hey Jerry, where you headed?"

"To Monk's for some breakfast. You wanna come?"

"Giddyup."

-----

While they enjoyed breakfast at Monk's, Elaine showed up and joined them.

"So get this" she said, "Peterman decided to start a kid's line of clothing for the catalog and guess who he put in charge of it?"

"I'm guessing you" Jerry replied.

"Me!" Elaine exclaimed "I mean, how stupid of an idea is this? What kid in their right mind would wear clothes from our catalog?"

"Ones who like bizarre clothing descriptions, I'd wager" Jerry added.

"So now I have to fly out to this Elwood City place and…"

"Hold on, you're going to Elwood City?" Jerry asked.

"Yeah, some rich guy there paid Peterman a whole bunch of money to let his daughter be the model for the clothes. So now I have to fly out there and find this little brat, and…"

"What a coincidence, I'm also going to Elwood City" Jerry said.

"No."

"Yes. I've got a guest spot on _the Magic Toolbox _and I'm flying out after breakfast" Jerry explained.

"Let me come with you Jerry, please!" George begged "I can't stay home with my parents for one more minute. My dad has gotten much more unpleasant over the last few weeks."

"I can't take you, what are you going to do?"

"Maybe they'll let me work on the show" George suggested "they could have a puppet, I could work that."

"Not sure a show about tools has a puppet."

"He could be the host!" George said "you don't know that!"

"I'm coming too buddy" Kramer said "things have gotten pretty dull around here since Lomez started dating."

"How'd you like to help me on the modeling job?" Elaine asked "I can pay you five bucks an hour."

"I'm in."

"Why does everybody always go where I'm going?" Jerry asked.

----------------------------------------

In the next chapter, Jerry films his segment and meets the kids of Lakewood. Meanwhile, Kramer learns a secret about his past that puts him in direct contact with the crew.


	2. Straight Outta' Elwood

Meanwhile, over in Elwood City, the third grade class at Lakewood Elementary was working hard, as usual, when Principal Haney interrupted.

"Sorry to interrupt, but I've just wanted to inform you that _the Magic Toolbox _will be filming another 'let's talk to some kids' segment in this class" he said.

The kids seemed unimpressed.

"And comedian Jerry Seinfeld is going to be part of it. He'll be talking to you about comedy."

Suddenly, the class was abuzz with energy.

"Wow, Jerry Seinfeld coming here" Francine said "this is bigger than…who was the last big celebrity to visit here?"

"Matt Damon" Brain said.

"Oh, never mind then" Francine said "nobody's bigger than him."

"Who's Jerry Seinfeld?" Arthur asked.

"He's a comedian, and he has these really funny jokes about the little things in life" Buster explained "for example he might say, 'hey, what's the deal with Mr. Ratburn? He's a rat, but he's not on fire.'"

"That doesn't sound very funny" Arthur replied.

"Well his jokes aren't exactly like that" Buster said "but he must be pretty funny, cause I heard he made a pilot for TV. And they don't give TV shows to just anyone."

"I guess it'll be fun" Arthur said, "it can't be any worse than the last time _the Magic Toolbox _came here."

"I have an announcement too" Muffy said "yours truly, Mary Alice Crosswire, is going to be the model for the new children's line of clothing in the prestigious J. Peterman catalog. I'd like to invite all of you to come to the photo shoot, as it will be a historic day."

"Maybe for you" Sue Ellen muttered under her breath.

"OK children, now that those things are out of the way, it's time to get back to what's really important" Mr. Ratburn said "math problems."

"Ohhhh" groaned the kids.

-----

Meanwhile, Jerry and friends had arrived in their hotel in Elwood City, the Elwood Arms.

"What kind of breakfast do you think this place serves?" George asked Jerry as they were in the elevator.

"I don't know."

"You think they have bagels? I could really go for a bagel."

"I'm sure they have bagels" Jerry replied.

"If they don't, I guess I could have like, a waffle or something. Or eggs."

"Fine, whatever."

"Maybe some toast…"

"No one cares about the damn breakfast!" Elaine shouted "you'll find out tomorrow!"

There was awkward silence the rest of the ride up. The elevator finally stopped at their floor and they made their way to the rooms. The one shared by George & Jerry was quite spacious.

"Not bad accommodations" George commented "I got to hand it to that Peterman, he knows how to treat his employees. Almost makes me wish I worked for him."

"You, work at a magazine? I'd like to see that" Jerry commented.

"I could work for a magazine" George replied "you know, if it was People or Playboy or something. You know, a classy one."

"Of course" Jerry replied "nothing classier than ladies taking their clothes off."

George ignored him "do you think I should get the bed tucked?"

"Okay, let's not start this again."

-----

Meanwhile, Kramer & Elaine set up in their room.

"Do you feel comfortable sharing a room with me?" Kramer asked "you know, me being a male and all."

"I'll take my chances" Elaine replied "now remember, tomorrow we have to meet this Crosswire kid at the studio. All you have to do is take the pictures, can you handle that?"

"Of course. I took pictures of you, didn't I?"

"Yeah, and thanks sooo much for that."

-----

The next day, the kids at Lakewood were getting ready for _the Magic Toolbox _crew to arrive. All that is, except for two.

"I think the next step in our relationship is to come up with pet names for each other" Sue Ellen told Arthur, as they opened their lockers. "I picked 'sugar' for you, cause you're so sweet. So do you have one for me?"

"How about…honey?" Arthur suggested "cause you're…sweet like honey?"

"That's basically what I said" Sue Ellen replied "you need to come up with one on your own."

"Sorry, I'm not used to this" Arthur explained "so _the Magic Toolbox_ is coming here again, you excited?"

"You bet, I'm more prepared this time" she explained "I've even got a great joke if they'll let me tell it. Say, Francine talking about Matt Damon just reminded me, how did things go with that show he wanted to make about you?"

"Not great" Arthur said, "the only network that was interested was PBS."

"Too bad, I would've liked to watch you on TV" Sue Ellen replied "Oh wait, I still can, after this segment airs."

-----

The two kids walked back to the classroom. _The Magic Toolbox_ crew was setting up, while some of the other kids prepared.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Binky said "because I wanted to eat him. Wait, that's not very funny."

"Do you guys see Mr. Seinfeld anywhere?" Buster asked, as Arthur took his seat, "I can't wait to meet him. I want him to sign my joke book."

"I think you're getting a little overexcited Buster" Arthur explained.

"No I'm not. How would you feel if Bionic Bunny came to school?"

"I see your point."

Meanwhile, Jerry & George were on their way to the 3rd grade classroom.

"So Jerry, I figured I'd tell some jokes to the kids, what do ya think?" George asked.

"I'm not sure your jokes are appropriate for kids" Jerry replied.

"I can clean them up."

"Okay, how about this" Jerry explained "you come on camera and use the term, 'a barrel of laughs.' Then I'll say something like 'why do they call it that? Is there an actual barrel somewhere, filled with laughs? And if so, who fills it?'"

"That's brilliant Jerry!" George replied "so all I have to do is say 'a barrel of laughs.'"

"Well, not just that phrase, I mean you can say other things" Jerry explained "just make sure you end with that phrase."

"Could I tell a joke?"

"Sure, as long as it doesn't involve nudity, swearing, or sexual content."

"You're really limiting me here."

-------------------------

Next time, Jerry arrives and the spot is filmed. Will the kids do well, or crash and burn? (What do you think?) Also, George gets himself a temporary job at Lakewood.


	3. The Basics of Comedy

"Attention class" Mr. Ratburn began "in a few minutes, _the Magic Toolbox _will begin shooting, so I hope you've decided what you plan to say. And when they leave, we'll resume our fascinating discussion on Magellan and his travel around the world."

"Man, even for special events we get homework" Buster whined.

Eventually Jerry & George entered through the door.

"It's Jerry Seinfeld!" Buster yelled happily "and, some other guy."

"Great, now I'm 'some other guy'" George complained.

"Mr. Seinfeld, would you autograph this joke book for me?" Buster asked eagerly.

"Sure, why not?" Jerry said. He took Buster's book and signed his name on it.

"Thanks" Buster replied "my name's Buster Baxter and I'm a real big fan of yours."

"Is that a fact?" Jerry replied, disinterested.

"I'm an aspiring comedian, and I was wondering, could you give me some tips on coming up with jokes?"

"Well developing material isn't all that hard. Just take a closer look at the normal things that happen all around you, and I guarantee you'll find something funny."

"Thanks, I'll try that" Buster replied.

Meanwhile, George was bothering the crew.

"See, Jerry's a close personal friend of mine, and he said I could help with the show" he explained "I have an important line to deliver. So, where should I stand?"

"You can just stand here for right now" replied the cameraman, a goat person.

"Okay, but when Jerry comes on, I'll need my cue."

"Yeah, whatever" the cameraman replied.

-----

Soon, it was time for the big scene.

"Hi I'm Jerry Seinfeld, and today I'm talking to some kids about comedy."

The camera shifted over to Buster "I love comedy, and jokes. I think jokes are the best things in the world. I…um, know a lot of jokes."

"Comedy's not always about jokes" Jerry explained "it's about looking at things in a funny way. What do you kids think is funny?"

"Farts" Binky replied.

"Seeing someone's underwear" Arthur replied, "unless it's mine."

"I don't know what is funny, but I know it's not funny when someone ties your braids together" Muffy said "I don't know who did it, but I'll find out."

"I like whoopie cushions" Buster added.

"Now I want you kids to come up with your own comedy routine" Jerry said "don't worry if you don't do well, it's not easy."

"What's this? Why it's my old friend Jerry Seinfeld" George said, upon coming into the camera's range "my very funny friend."

"Look kids, it's my friend, George Costanza" Jerry replied.

"How can you teach kids about comedy without your old pal George?" George asked "why I'm a barrel of laughs."

"Why do they call it a 'barrel of laughs' anyway?" Jerry asked, "is there an actual barrel somewhere, filled with laughter? And if so, I'd love to see who gets hired to fill it. See, now you kids try."

"My little sister D.W. is such a pest" Arthur said "when she was originally born, my parents wanted to call her 'cockroach.' Hey I did it!"

"What's up with Binky's head?" Buster asked "has anyone ever seen a stranger looking head? It looks like a big squash."

"Hey, that's mean" Binky replied.

"Why is the game called 'soccer', why can't it be called 'sock-him?' Get it? Sock-him?" Francine asked. There was no laughter "come on, that's funny!"

"Okay, so there are these two cannibals…" Sue Ellen began "wait, I'm not sure this joke is appropriate."

"Um…do me later" Fern said nervously.

"See, anyone can be a comedian" Jerry replied "but it takes a lot of hard work and practice."

"So stay in school" George added, pushing himself into the shot.

"And…cut."

"Well, I'm sure that wasn't too embarrassing" Jerry replied.

"Did you see me out there Jerry, I killed!" George said, "I'm a natural at this."

"If by 'this' you mean 'making a fool of yourself', then you're a regular Laurence Olivier" Jerry replied sarcastically.

Meanwhile, the Lakewood kids were thinking about their performances.

"See, the word 'soccer' sounds like 'sock-her', so I said…" Francine began.

"I got it Francine, but frankly, the joke just wasn't that funny" Brain replied.

"What do you know? You probably think fractions are hilarious."

"I do get a chuckle from irregular ones."

"That joke you made about D.W. was pretty funny" Buster told Arthur.

"Thanks, I guess I'm better at comedy than I thought" Arthur said "maybe I could be one when I grow up."

He imagined being older and standing on a stage in a comedy club.

"My sister D.W. is so annoying, she makes a foghorn seem like soothing music" he said.

"Boo, you stink!" said an older D.W. from the audience.

"Come on D.W., it's all in good fun" Arthur replied.

"Oh yeah?" D.W. asked "hey folks, my brother Arthur is so dumb, he tried to pull open a door that said 'push.'"

The audience laughed at her little joke.

"He's so stupid he needs directions to boil water."

"Hey, quit laughing" Arthur told the audience, "I'm the comedian here, not her."

"Arthur whines so much that our parents originally thought he was a smoke alarm" D.W. added.

Arthur could only stand and watch as the audience laughed at D.W.'s assorted putdowns.

"On second thought" Arthur said, coming out of the fantasy "maybe it's not the right career for me."

"I can't believe I didn't get a chance to tell my joke" Sue Ellen lamented "I should've gone with the 'escargot' one."

"At least you had a joke" Fern replied.

"Well, that was very nice class" Mr. Ratburn said, interrupting everyone "why don't we thank Mr. Seinfeld and his friend for coming in."

"Thank you Mr. Seinfeld and friend" the class replied.

"Great to be here" Jerry replied "remember what I said about comedy, and drive safe."

"But we can't…oh, I get it" Buster said, laughing.

"Now that all of this is over, we can get back to the important things in life; history" Mr. Ratburn said, eliciting a groan from the class.

-----

"Well, that was eventful" George told Jerry, as they headed down the hallway "when's our flight out?"

"We can't leave until Elaine & Kramer do their photo shoot thing" Jerry replied "remember, we're all taking the same flight."

"Oh yeah" George said "well, maybe we can find something to do while we're here. You wanna visit a museum?"

"Nah."

"Me neither" George added "how about we see a movie?"

"What's playing?"

"No idea."

"Maybe there's a café around here where we can have lunch" Jerry suggested.

"Yes, lunch is good" George replied "lunch is something we can do! Although shouldn't we wait for Kramer & Elaine?"

"Are you kidding? They've probably a nice catering spread at their photo shoot."

"You think so?"

"Sure, a fancy catalog like Peterman's can afford a good caterer."

"What do you think they have?" George asked.

"I don't know."

"Guess."

"Maybe lobster."

"They're getting lobster!"

"I said maybe they had lobster!" Jerry replied "I was taking a guess, like you said."

"Lucky Kramer" George replied "how come I wasn't invited to that photo shoot?"

"I can think of a few reasons" Jerry said "namely cause Elaine doesn't want you hanging around the fashions."

"Ha ha" George replied "let's just go get lunch already."

Just then, the bell rang and the kids left their classrooms. Buster caught up to Jerry & George before they could leave.

"Hey Mr. Seinfeld, I was wondering if you could give me a few more tips on humor" Buster explained.

"I was going to lunch…"

"Please? Oh please!"

Jerry sighed "all right, what do you want to know?"

"Can a joke be about anything?" Buster asked.

"This is great, Jerry's talking to some kid, and he got me all worked up about lunch, so now I'm hungry!" George whined "well, maybe they've got something in the cafeteria."

As he walked off, he passed by Principal Haney's office, where a familiar monkey girl was paying a call.

"So my dad has a sanitation engineers' convention to attend, and he won't be able to coach the team this week" Francine explained.

"Oh my, that is a problem" Mr. Haney replied "who can we find to replace him on such short notice?"

Moments later, George popped his head in the door.

"Hi there, George Costanza" he introduced himself "I couldn't help but overhear your problem, and I think I may be able to help."

-----

Soon after, Jerry & George stopped at little restaurant named Munk's. Jerry was quite amazed by George's earlier actions.

"So let me see if I understand this" Jerry said "you volunteered to be a middle school baseball coach?"

"You got it."

"Call me crazy, but don't you actually have to know something about a sport in order to coach it?"

"Hey, you're forgetting I worked for the Yankees for nine years."

"Yeah, but you made travel arrangements, you never played" Jerry replied.

"So what? This is my chance Jerry, my opportunity to leave my mark on the young people. I'll lead that team to victory, kind of like the Bad News Bears."

"Except the coach role is being played by Danny DeVito" Jerry replied.

"Ha ha, very funny Jerry" George replied angrily "you watch, those kids will love me!"

Before Jerry could make a remark, both he and George noticed a pair of familiar figures enter the diner.

"Elaine, Kramer?" George asked confused, "I thought you guys would have catered food at your photo shoot."

"Yeah, I wish" Elaine replied.

"You told me they had catering!"

"I said 'maybe' they did" Jerry replied "you always forget the maybe."

"So get this" Elaine said "I was looking through Kramer's resume today and I found out he never passed third grade."

"No" Jerry replied sarcastically.

"It's true Jerry" Kramer said, "I was having a lot of problems with my mom around that time, so it was hard for me to pay attention. The school eventually took pity on me and let me attend fourth grade, but I still wish I could've passed. That's a whole year of my academic life I won't get back."

"It's just elementary school, it doesn't matter" Jerry replied.

"Maybe not to you Jerry, oh no, you're a fully educated man" Kramer said "but me, I'll always have that blemish on my record. Think what I could've learned if I'd passed. I might be a different person today."

"I doubt that" Jerry replied.

"Too bad you can't go back there" George joked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's not like you can go back to third grade, I mean, you're like thirty" Goerge explained "but if you did, I bet you'd ace the class."

"I don't see why I can't" Kramer replied "people go back to college all the time."

"That's because those people are old enough to go to college" Jerry explained "you're way too old for third grade. Besides, how would you even get in?"

"Actually, I just got hired as temporary baseball coach at that local elementary school. I could probably pull some strings for ya" George suggested.

"Really?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You really need to ask?" Jerry enquired.

"Wait, somebody hired George as a baseball coach?" Elaine asked "are they aware he's never played baseball?"

"I've played!" George yelled "just, not very well. Besides, they were impressed by my years with the Yankees."

"You made travel arrangements."

"I'm still coaching!"

-----

The next day, at school, Francine explained the developments to her friends.

"So that bald guy that Mr. Seinfeld brought with him agreed to sub for my dad" she explained "he said he used to work for the Yankees, so he's got to be good."

"Wow, with a guy like that coaching us, we might actually beat Mighty Mountain" Arthur said excitedly.

"Attention class, I have an important announcement" Mr. Ratburn said, "we will have a new student joining our class today. Apparently, he failed third grade and hopes he will be able to pass this time. I should mention, he is older, quite a bit older, actually.

"Oh boy, another older kid!" Binky said happily.

"Anyway, meet our newest student, Cosmo Kramer" Ratburn finished, and moved aside, revealing Kramer, wearing a uniform that wouldn't be out of place in a public school.

---------------------------

Next time, George begins his job as coach of Lakewood's team, while Kramer makes friends with his fellow third graders.


	4. Schoolhouse Kramer

"I hope all of you will be helpful to Mr. Kramer for as long as he is here" Mr. Ratburn said, "now then, if you'll take your seat, we can get started." 

Kramer walked over to the desk where Arthur, Buster, & Francine sat. He pulled out one of the chairs and tried to sit in it, but his large stature caused him to slip to the floor, and the other kids laughing at him. 

"Be nice children" Mr. Ratburn said sternly. 

Kramer made another attempt to get on the chair, only for it to slide away, causing him to land on the floor again. Finally, he managed to get a hold of the chair and pull himself into it. 

"Excellent" Mr. Ratburn said "now it's time for today's lesson on different bird species." 

While the teacher prattled on, Buster eyed the new student suspiciously. 

"You look pretty big to be in our class" he said, "how do we know you're not an alien?" 

"Buster, knock it off" Arthur chided, "you'll have to forgive him. He thinks anything strange or unusual is the work of aliens, or monsters or something." 

"No problem" Kramer said. 

"Buster does have a point though, this guy is way too big to be in our class" Francine said, "he's twice the size of Binky!" 

"That is a good point" Arthur replied.

"Plus he has stubble! No kid in the third grade needs to shave" Francine added. 

"Look, I may be a little…okay, a lot older than you kids, but I assure you, I belong here" Kramer explained "see, I never passed third grade when I was your age, so I decided to come back and do it." 

"Wow!" Buster exclaimed "I didn't know you could do that. Maybe I should try it." 

"You can't just quit school and then come back when you're older" Arthur explained. 

"This guy did." 

"Well he's a special case." 

"Could you two keep it down? I'm trying to hear the lesson" Kramer said. 

"Mr. Kramer, you and the others at your table quiet down" Mr. Ratburn said "now then, as I was saying, the finch is similar to the oriole in size, but…" 

_Okay, I've got a new student in my class who is way bigger and older than any of us _Arthur thought _still, at least things can't get any weirder. _

----- 

Arthur should've known better than to think that, as he discovered after school during baseball practice. 

"So where's this new coach Francine?" Arthur asked. 

"He should be here" Francine said, "I hope he's not running late." 

The kids then heard the sound of a whistle, and turned towards its' source. They saw George, dressed in gray sweats and white tennis shoes, and wearing a Yankees cap. He was holding a clipboard and had a whistle around his neck. 

"Greetings kids, I'm coach Costanza" he said, "and I won't tolerate people making fun of my name like 'Cantstandya,' or 'Costlasagne' or whatever other names you can think of. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's play some baseball." 

"Isn't that the bald guy who was with Mr. Seinfeld?" Binky asked. 

"Yeah. I didn't know he was a coach" Buster added. 

"Are you sure you really worked for the Yankees?" Francine asked suspiciously. 

"Yes, I was the travelling secretary for 8 years, before being let go due to a stupid trade with Tyler Chicken" George explained "now, let's get down to…" 

"Excuse me sir" Brain said. 

"Yes." 

"As I understand it, the traveling secretary is a purely administrative position, one that requires setting travel arrangements for the team" Brain explained "if that was, in fact, your only position with the Yankees, then I'm afraid I must question your qualifications for this job." 

"What's your name son?" 

"Alan Powers sir, but everyone calls me the Brain." 

"Well Alan…take a lap!" George ordered "anybody else got any stupid remarks to make?" None of the kids said anything "Okay then. Now, maybe I wasn't a fancy ball player, but I was with the Yankees long enough to learn some things. And with me coaching you, the sky's the limit!" 

"Am I late for practice, coach?" Kramer asked. 

"Actually, you're right on time" George replied "just get in the lineup and…" he did a double take when he noticed Kramer wearing a none-to-fitting baseball uniform "what are you doing here?" 

"I'm in the third grade here." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, remember, you suggested it." 

"Oh yeah" George replied "okay get in with the rest of your classmates and we'll start this thing. First up, batting drills." 

----- 

One by one the kids took turns at bat. Then it was Kramer's turn. 

Francine pitched the ball, but Kramer missed it. 

"Strike one!" George yelled. 

"Come on man, that didn't count!" Kramer said "the sun was in my eyes." 

The ball was tossed again, but with similar results. 

"Strike two." 

Francine threw the ball a third time, and this time Kramer connected. As the ball soared skyward, the lanky man began running the bases. 

"I got it, I got it!" Arthur shouted, as he attempted to catch the ball, which landed mere inches from him. 

Kramer meanwhile, was rounding second and coming on third. Arthur grabbed the ball and tossed it to Binky, who was on the base. 

"I got ya now" he said, as he saw Kramer heading towards him. Unfortunately, Kramer was caught up in the momentum and didn't plan to stop. "Uh-oh." 

WHAM! Kramer plowed right into him, sending both sprawling to the ground. The concerned kids rushed over to check on their classmates. 

"Are they okay?" Prunella asked. 

"I'd be more worried about Mr. Kramer" Francine replied. 

"Great slide there Kramer, too bad this isn't football" George said, "okay kids, time for pitching practice." 

"Coach, I think they may be hurt" Fern explained. 

"They're fine" George replied, "besides, they're big guys, they recover from injuries a lot faster." 

"Awesome slide!" Binky said, as he and Kramer got to their feet "can you teach me how to do that?" 

"Sure, just let me wait for the world to stop spinning first" Kramer replied. 

----- 

After practice was over, the kids were picked up by their parents. 

"So, how do you like your new coach?" Mrs. Read asked Arthur. 

"He's the worse coach ever!" Arthur exclaimed, "he keeps teaching us stuff we already know. And today, when the new kid slid into Binky, he didn't even let us help them!" 

"Perhaps I'd better have a talk with Principal Haney about this" Mrs. Read said, "so, you mentioned there's a new kid in your class?" 

"Well, 'kid' isn't the word I'd use to describe him" Arthur explained "he's more like a kid in an adult's body." 

"Exactly how old is he?" a concerned Mrs. Read asked. 

"I don't know, thirty or forty" Arthur replied, "he said he failed third grade as a kid, so he's come back to repeat it. Weird, I didn't think they allowed you to do that." 

"They usually don't" Mrs. Read said, "or at least, I've never heard of that." 

"I was a little freaked out at first, but since I've gotten to know him, he's really fun" Arthur explained "and he knows pretty much all the answers to any subject." 

"I just wonder where he came from" Mrs. Read said "you don't find people like that in Elwood City." 

----- 

"I'm in big trouble Jerry" Elaine said, as the two sat at Munk's "you remember that girl I was supposed to take pictures of?" 

"The one for the Peterman kid's line?" 

"Well I haven't done it yet! I tried to get Kramer to help me and do you know what he said? 'I have homework Elaine.' Homework! It's third grade stuff, how hard could it be!" 

"With Kramer, you'd be surprised." 

"Anyway, I need to get this kid photographed or Peterman's going to think I took advantage of the company's expense account." 

"Isn't that exactly what you did?" 

"Sure, but I don't want it to look like that. What can I do Jerry?" 

"Well, I'm not sure, but I think this girl you're looking for, Crosswire or something, goes to the same school Kramer attends. In fact, I think she might even be in his class." 

"Oh I get it. I go to the school, tell Kramer to photograph the girl in some fashions and I'm off the hook." 

"And hopefully, Kramer won't look like a pervert for taking pictures of a young girl" Jerry added. 

"I'm sure it won't look like that, will it?" 

"You tell me" Jerry replied. 

----- 

The next day, Elaine visited Kramer before class. 

"Kramer I need a big favor from you" she said "that girl that was supposed to model for the catalog, I just learned she's in your class, so I need you to take some photos of her in the new fashions. Can you do it?" 

"Sure, I might be able to do it during recess" Kramer replied "I hope it doesn't take too long, I really want to get the swings before anyone else." 

"Great, here's the stuff" Elaine said, handing him a camera and a tripod, plus some clothes "now make sure you do this." 

"Relax Elaine, I got it" Kramer replied. 

Just then Binky & Buster walked over. 

"Hey Kramer, is that your mom?" Binky asked. 

"I'm not his mom" Elaine replied. 

"Yeah Binky, she's way too young to be his mom" Buster replied. 

"Aren't you sweet?" a smiling Elaine replied "now remember, try to have the pictures to me by five o' clock. And, have a nice day at school" she added, before leaving. 

"Who was that?" Buster wondered. 

"My friend Elaine" Kramer explained "I'm supposed to take pictures for a catalog shoot later today." 

"Oh, that's probably what Muffy was yakking about" Binky said, "hey Kramer, can we help ya?" 

"I'm good with a camera" Buster added. 

"Sure, why not?" Kramer replied, "lemme just put this stuff in my locker." 

So saying, Kramer made his way over to his locker, still holding the pile of stuff in his hands. Maneuvering as well as he could, he shifted everything to his right hand, then opened the locker with his left, shoving everything in, but couldn't prevent one of the dresses from falling out. He grabbed it and put it back in, but more clothes fell to the floor. Finally, he grabbed the whole bunch and crammed them in, then shut the door. 

"Hmm, still have time to do a little business" Kramer said, heading towards the bathroom. 

After entering he pulled open the door to one of the stalls, and was surprised to find Arthur & Sue Ellen making out. Both kids stopped when they saw him staring at them. 

"Whoa sorry buddy, didn't know this one was occupied" Kramer said, shutting the door. As he headed towards the other stall, he stopped "hey, wait a minute!" He opened the door on the surprised kids again. 

"You have some toilet paper I can borrow?" Sue Ellen handed him the roll.

"Thanks" he added and headed for the other stall, only to stop again. "Wait a minute!" and he opened the stall door a third time "you don't belong in here" he said to Sue Ellen. 

"Hey, this isn't the girl's bathroom!" she said in mock surprise "gotta go, bye." 

"What was that about?" Kramer asked, after she left. 

"I'd rather not say" Arthur replied. 

----- 

Class went by, as usual, with Kramer acing a test on fractions. When recess rolled around, Arthur & Sue Ellen confronted him. 

"Can we talk?" the girl asked. 

"Okay, but make it quick, I've got something to do" Kramer explained. 

"Now, we know that earlier today, you saw something, kind of weird…" Arthur began. 

"You mean you two Frenching in the bathroom?" 

"I don't know what that means, but okay." 

"Frenching, as in 'French kissing'?" 

"Mr. Kramer, I've been to France and they don't kiss any differently there" Sue Ellen replied. 

"No, when you French kiss, you…" Kramer began, then whispered in Arthur's ear. 

"Eww! That's disgusting!" 

"What'd he say?" Sue Ellen asked. 

"It's too gross for words" Arthur replied. 

"Anyway Mr. Kramer, Arthur & I have recently discovered that we like each other" Sue Ellen explained "but we haven't told our friends yet. We don't think they're mature enough to understand our feelings." 

"And you're afraid they'll make fun of you" Kramer replied 

"Exactly" Arthur added

"So could you please, please not tell anyone what you saw?" Sue Ellen asked. 

"Okay, for you kids" Kramer said, "now if you'll excuse me, I need to get out there before all the swings are taken" and he gleefully rushed out of the classroom. 

"So what did he say about French kissing? What is it?" Sue Ellen asked Arthur. The aardvark boy whispered into her ear exactly what Kramer had told him. 

"Eww, that is gross!" the girl replied "and extremely unsanitary as well." 

----- 

Recess soon ended and Kramer realized he didn't have long to get Muffy to model the clothes. He decided to wait until lunch instead. 

When lunch finally came, Kramer made his way over to where Muffy was sitting. 

"Hey, I'm supposed to photograph you for the J. Peterman catalog" he said. 

"Oh yes, I was wondering when they were going to do that" Muffy said "you've postponed it twice already." 

"I don't control the scheduling, that's Elaine's department." 

"Never mind that, let's get started" Muffy replied "we can do it in the gym, there's no one there right now. It's not as glamorous as a photo studio, but you work with what you have, I suppose." 

"Well, I have to get my assistants first…" 

"All right, but make it snappy! Crosswires do not like to be kept waiting" Muffy replied, as she headed towards the gym. 

Kramer eventually arrived in the gym with Buster & Binky in tow. They worked on setting up the camera, while Kramer gave Muffy the clothes. 

"What? These are all wrinkled!" 

"Yeah, well I had to put them in my locker see, and…" 

"Do you really think I'm going to make my modeling debut in wrinkled clothes?" 

"Maybe." 

"Smooth these out or I'm not doing it!" 

"Okay, okay" Kramer muttered. He took a nearby basketball and rolled it over the wrinkles in the clothes, until they were slightly less wrinkled looking "is that better?" 

"I suppose" Muffy replied "let's just get on with it." 

----- 

Soon the gang met at Munk's again to discuss their recent goings-on. 

"Here's the film from the shoot Elaine" Kramer said, "I sure hope I don't have to do that again. That Muffy girl is really mean and demanding." 

"So how's life treating you in the third grade?" Jerry asked. 

"Actually, pretty great" Kramer said, "you know what I like most about it?" 

"Nap time and cookies?" 

"Don't be silly Jerry, that's for kindergartners" Kramer explained "no, all the kids get along with each other. There's no cliques, no popular people. Everyone gets along with each other and always help each other out. It's refreshing." 

"You know, I'm really getting the hang of this coaching thing" George said, "and the kids really like me too, and I really enjoy shaping young minds." 

"As opposed to warping them" Jerry said. 

"Ya know, one of the kids on the team, Arthur, reminds me a lot of me" George continued "he wears glasses, is kinda bald, seems a little awkward, but is quite good with the ladies, or so Kramer tells me. Anyway, I'm gonna take this kid right to the top, so he doesn't end up a loser like me." 

"Oh come on, you're not a loser" Jerry said, "do losers coach baseball teams?" 

"Regardless" George replied "this Arthur kid is going to be my star. I shall mold him into the George that I never was. Nobody's going to lock him in the locker room naked." 

"Why couldn't you have had some normal high school experiences?" Elaine asked. 

----- 

The next day, during baseball practice, George made his big announcement. 

"As you all know, there is no 'I' in team" he said "but that doesn't mean that some of you are not more favored than others. That being said, let me introduce our new pitcher, Arthur Read." 

"What? That's not fair, I'm a million times better than Arthur!" Francine yelled "that should be my position!" 

"Well it's not" George replied "now take a lap!" 

"I really appreciate this coach, but maybe you should've given the position to someone who deserves it more, like Francine or Brain" Arthur said. 

"Nonsense, with you pitching for us, no one will stand a chance against us" George replied "and then the legacy of George Costanza will be forever immortalized baby!" 

"What?" 

"Nothing, forget it." 

------------------------------- 

Next time, a situation lands Kramer in hot water, forcing him to go to Jackie Chiles for help. And the Costanzas make an appearance. 


	5. Lawsuits, Lawyers, and Loud men

The next day came before the kids even realized it. What they didn't know, was that something would happen on this day that would cause big problems for one of their own.

"Good news" Muffy addressed her friends "that catalog lady sent over the photos of my fashion shoot, so I can see them before they put them in the catalog. I can't wait to see how great I look."

The girl tore open the envelope she was holding and began rifling through the photos.

"Gorgeous, glamorous, ohh, very chic" she commented on each one. "Yes, I'm going to be one very successful…" it was then that something caught her eye.

"A very successful what?" Binky asked "not a wrestler I hope."

"This is terrible!" Muffy exclaimed.

"What? Did one of your pictures come out bad?" Francine asked.

"I'll say, look!"

Francine took the photo Muffy had looked at, but didn't appear to see anything.

"It looks okay to me."

"What? How could you not notice the big stain on the front of the blouse?!" Muffy shouted.

Sure enough, a stain was clearly visible on the white blouse she was wearing in the photo.

"It's not so bad" Fern said.

"Yeah, I'm sure no one will even notice" Sue Ellen added.

"Of course people will notice" Muffy said "people who work at catalogs now everything about fashion. This is great, my career as a model ends before it even started!"

"Calm down Muffy, you're making a big deal out of nothing" Francine told her.

"Nothing? My modeling debut is a disaster and you think it's nothing?" Muffy asked angrily "this is all that Kramer's fault! Well I'll teach him to mess with Mary Alice Crosswire!"

The girl stormed angrily down the hall until she located the lanky man.

"Hey there Muffy, great photo shoot yesterday huh?"

"Hardly, thanks to your sloppiness, I'm going to be in a fashion magazine with a stained dress!" Muffy yelled.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that" Kramer began "I guess I wasn't watching while I was drinking."

"You've ruined my modeling career before it even started, and you're going to pay!" Muffy replied "I'm suing you for this!"

With that, she angrily stormed off. Several of the other third graders approached their 'classmate' after Muffy left.

"Don't worry, Muffy's not really going to sue you" Francine explained "when she gets really angry, she tends to say things she doesn't mean."

"Yeah, everything is going to be all right" Brain added.

But the kids had no idea how wrong they were.

* * *

While all this was going on, George was placing a call to his parents in Queens.

"Costanza residence, Frank speaking. Who is this?"

"Your baseball coach of a son."

"I'm afraid you're mistaken" Frank said "our son isn't a coach, he works at that Kruger place. Honestly, the boy couldn't play baseball if his life depended on it."

"Thanks dad" George said icily.

"George, is that you? What are you doing saying that you're a coach?"

"It's true dad" George explained "I got this job working as a baseball coach at this elementary school. And I tell you, those kids love me."

"Where is this school?"

"A place called Elwood City. Anyway…"

"Elwood, never heard of it" Frank said "you sure that's the name?"

"Yes dad."

"Estelle, you ever heard of an Elwood City?" Frank asked.

"What?"

"Elwood City, have you ever heard of it?"

"No, what about it?"

"George says he's working as a coach at a school there. I think he's full of crap."

"Let me talk to him" Estelle said.

"I'm using the phone now, woman!" Frank yelled.

"Gimme the phone!"

"You can have it when I'm finished!"

"Oh God" George replied, as he listened to the arguing.

Estelle finally wrestled the phone from Frank and put the reciever to her ear.

"Is it true Georgie, do you have a coaching job?"

"Yup, I'm the baseball coach here at Lakewood Elementary" George said proudly "it is only temporary, but still."

"My son, the coach" Estelle replied "and you said he'd never amount to anything."

"You said the same thing."

"I did not!"

"Yes you did!" Frank yelled.

"Anyway Georgie, your father and I are so proud, so we're coming out to see you."

"That's really okay ma, you don't have to" George said.

"Nonsense, I wanna see my son the coach in action" Frank added "now then, where can we find this Elwood place?"

* * *

"So my parents are coming this weekend" George explained to the gang later "like I need this aggrivation. They' won't be here a minute, and my mom will be all 'why do the people look like animals?' And then my dad will say 'what kind of creepy town is this?' And then he'll start asking questions and annoying people."

"I though you didn't mind if he annoyed people" Elaine said.

"That's different. In New York nobody cares what he says. Here people will look at him, and bam!, there goes my cushy coach job!"

"You do realize this job is, only temporary?" Jerry asked.

"That's a moot point Jerry."

"Not sure that it is."

"I can't believe I'm getting sued!" Kramer chimed in "my classmate Francine, told me not to worry. But later today, I got served with papers. She's gonna try to take me for hundreds, Jerry, hundreds!"

"The joke's on her, since you have no income" Jerry replied.

"Elaine, you gotta help me" Kramer begged "you got me into this."

"Technically, you got yourself into it" Elaine said "and no way am I helping you. If word of this reaches Peterman, I could lose my job, or worse, be demoted. And I am not taking the fall for you!"

"Well I need to get a lawyer" Kramer said.

"How about Jackie Chiles?" George asked "doesn't he always handle your cases?"

"He blocked my number after the last time" Kramer explained.

"So visit him in person" George suggested "explain to him what's happening and see if he'll help."

"Do you really think a lawyer would help fight a kid in court?" Elaine asked.

"Have you ever known a kid who sued anyone?" George asked.

"Good point."

* * *

The next day at class, Kramer was conspicuous by his absence.

"Poor guy, I bet he didn't show up because Muffy is suing him" Brain said.

"I tried talking her out of it, but it was no use" Francine added "when Muffy sets her mind to something, there's pretty much no stopping her."

"I wish we could do something to help" Arthur said.

"Attention class" Mr. Ratburn interrupted "as you know, our fellow student Kramer is not here today. I received a note from him that he is visiting a lawyer in New York and won't be back 'till tomorrow. So, I hope his disappearance won't stop you from concentrating on your upcoming countries quiz."

"A lawyer?" Buster whispered "do you think he's trying to fight Muffy?"

"Good luck" Francine whispered back "he'd need the best lawyer money can buy to do that."

* * *

At Jackie Chiles office, he was about to get a visit from a familiar face.

"Mr. Chiles, Cosmo Kramer is here to see you," the receptionist said over the intercom.

"Kramer!" Jackie said nervously "tell him I'm out of town."

The lawyer ran to the door of his office, but found Kramer was trying to come inside.

"Come on Jackie, I know you're in there!"

"Forget it Kramer, I'm not getting involved with you again" Jackie said, as he held the door shut "I've suffered humiliation after humiliation working with you! I can't afford anymore!"

"But you gotta help me Jackie!" Kramer replied, still pushing forward "I'm being sued by this Crosswire girl!"

"I don't care what…did you say Crosswire?" Jackie asked "I've been wanting a piece of them since 1990. They've made lots of money by selling shoddy cars."

"So will you help me?" Kramer asked.

Jackie moved away from the door, causing Kramer to crash into the office.

"All right, let's discuss your case."

* * *

"So the girl's suing you because you spilled juice on her dress?" Jackie asked.

"Pretty much."

"It's unfair, unprecedented, and unbelievable" Jackie said "people can't go around suing others for spilling stuff on their clothes. That's why they have dry cleaners."

"Well she claims I ruined her modeling career or something" Kramer explained "see, she was supposed to be part of a new fashion line in the Peterman catalog, but now she's saying I ruined that."

"And how old is this girl?" Jackie asked.

"Only eight."

"Fabulous, no jury will believe an eight year old, no matter how rich she is" Jackie said "and a win over the Crosswires will help my reputation."

"How long will this take, cause I have a game tomorrow."

"Game? What kind of game?"

"A baseball game. My class is counting on me."

"I still can't believe you're repeating the third grade" Jackie said, "these kids must look up to you."

"Figuratively & literally" Kramer replied.

* * *

Saturday arrived and the kids of Lakewood, (and Kramer) were getting ready for the game against Mighty Mountain. Meanwhile, the Costanza's had flown to Elwood to see George in action.

"What the hell kind of city is this?" Frank asked, as he drove the rental car down the street "all these people look like animals."

"So what?"

"So what? I didn't fight in Korea so animals could have the right to vote. How would they even vote anyway?"

"Maybe they're just wearing masks?" Estelle suggested.

"Everyone, in the middle of summer?"

"I don't know, maybe it's their custom!"

"Well it's a stupid custom" Frank replied.

"Don't mock other cultures!"

"Shut it!" Frank yelled "they just better not be any of those squirrel hating wackos. Although given this place, a squirrel might be somebody's cousin or something."

* * *

After some more yelling, the Costanza's finally found Lakewood. George, meanwhile, was giving a last minute pep talk to his team.

"Now kids, I could give you some speech about how winning isn't important, and that you should just have fun or whatever, but I'm not going to" he said "because winning is the most important thing of all. And with my coaching skills, you're going to prove that."

"I can't wait until the day my dad gets back" Francine said.

"Take a lap Frensky!" George yelled "the rest of you, get out there and win."

"But we've rarely won against Mighty Mountain" Brain explained "indeed, the possibilities of us defeating them in a game are astronomical."

"Look, you kids are going to go out there, and you're going to win, cause I need to prove I'm not a loser!" George yelled "I mean to say, prove that **you're **not losers, heh heh. Well, what are you waiting for?"

As the kids left the dugout, Kramer finally arrived.

"About time you got here!" George yelled "you ready to play?"

"You bet coach" Kramer replied "by the way, I didn't know you invited your parents."

"I didn't. Oh God, are they here?"

"Yup, I just saw 'em in the bleachers."

"Okay, no problem, this isn't a big deal" George said "with any luck, they won't notice me. Now get out there!"

* * *

The Elwood City team took the field, but the addition of one newcomer did not unnoticed by those in attendance.

"Is that man playing with the team?" Mr. Read asked his wife.

"It looks like it" she replied "but he's far too old to be on an elementary school team."

"He's tall" D.W. commented.

"I don't like this" Mrs. Read added "there's only one reason I can think of why a grown man would be hanging around young children, and it's not a good one."

"Why?" D.W. asked.

"Never mind dear, it's nothing you need to know about."

"But I want to know!"

"Hey, isn't that Kramer?" Frank asked Estelle.

"Oh yeah, Georgie didn't mention he was playing."

"Probably part of my boy's strategy. Bring in a ringer to help the rest of these losers" Frank said.

"Excuse me sir, but my son plays for that team" Bitzi Baxter explained.

"Well if he were any good, the team would've won more games, wouldn't they?" Frank replied.

The rabbit woman ignored him and turned away in disgust.

Unfortunately, Frank didn't give up, and continued to heckle the kids at every opportunity.

"What the hell was that?" he asked, after Francine got a strike "what are you, blind?"

"That man is very rude" Mrs. Read told her husband.

"Just ignore him" Mr. Read said, "he'll stop eventually."

* * *

Soon it was Kramer's turn at bat.

"Finally, someone who can actually hit" Frank said "go on Kramer, show these kids how its' done."

"Frank be quiet."

"No way, I'm expressing my American right as a fan" Frank said. He watched as Kramer hit the ball and it soared into the infield "attaboy Kramer! See, now there's a player" he explained to Mrs. Read "they should get rid of the whole team and just make him play."

"Excuse me sir, but my son happens to be on the team and he does very well" the woman replied "we don't care whether he wins or not, so long as he plays his best."

"No offense lady, but that's crap" Frank replied.

"I'm sorry sir, but I don't allow that kind of talk around here" Principal Haney said "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"And who the hell are you?"

"I'm the principal of this school."

"Well I happen to be the father of the coach, and I'm here to watch my son play, fuzzy!"

"Frank, don't insult the principal, we don't wanna get Georgie in trouble."

"No way. You gotta stand up to people like this or they'll walk all over you" Frank said.

"I have to apologize for my husband" Estelle replied "he's an idiot."

"Don't apologize for me, I haven't done anything wrong" Frank said, "I'm just a fan commenting on the game. Last time I checked, that was perfectly legal. Isn't it, comrade?" he asked Principal Haney.

"Well yes, it is" Haney replied "but you also need to abide by the rules of the school."

"I don't see how that is relevant."

"Frank, don't argue with the fuzzy man."

"Why are you supporting him?"

"Because you're being a jerk!"

"I'm expressing my first amendment rights. Check the Bill of Rights!"

"Coach Costanza, come over here please" Principal Haney said, with George leaving the dugout. "Mr. Costanza, are these two your parents?"

"I've never seen these people before in my life" George replied.

"How could you say that Georgie, after all we've done for you?" Estelle asked, sadly.

"Son, no offense, but your coaching style sucks" Frank added "these kids couldn't hit the broadside of a barn if it was right in front of 'em."

"Shut up dad" George muttered under his breath.

"I'm sorry Mr. Costanza, but your parents are causing a disturbance" Principal Haney said "so I have no choice to eject them from the game."

"Thank you sir, you truly are a wise man, er bear."

"However, their conduct, not to mention complaints from several of the students, is making me reconsider your employment."

"Come again?" George asked.

"I'm sorry, but after this game, your position as coach of Lakewood is terminated" Principal Haney replied.

"Because of my parents? Look, I'll disown them if you want" George said "in fact, I think I was adopted!"

"It's not just that" Principal Haney replied "the students say that you don't really teach them anything except that winning is important."

"Isn't it though?"

"And you make them do laps for minor infractions."

"That's for cardio workout" George explained "you know, to improve their running skills."

"I'm sorry, but Mr. Frensky returns tomorrow and he will resume his duties as coach. Turn in your equipment after the game" Principal Haney replied.

"You see this? You see what you've done?" George asked his parents "why can't you let me have this one thing huh? Why must you always ruin my life?"

"There there, Georgie, I'm sure you'll find another coaching job" Estelle replied.

"The way he trained these kids? I doubt it" said Frank.

"Fine, fire me, but you're missing out!" George said to Haney and the assembled parents "cause I was taking your kids straight to the top. The top I say! Well, you won't have George Costanza to kick around any more!"

And with that, he stormed off.

"I don't think I've ever seen any coach make an exit quite like that" Mrs. Read replied.

"Indeed" Principal Haney replied "perhaps I should've done a background check before hiring him."

* * *

The game came to a close and Lakewood suffered another of it's many defeats to Mighty Mountain. George then addressed the kids at the dugout

"Well guys, it's been a fun few days, but I think it's time for coach Costanza to turn in his whistle. I have other young kids to mold, other teams to inspire."

"You were fired, weren't you?" Arthur asked

"Yes. Apparently, the bureaucracy around here decided I was a bad coach" George said, "it's all politics I tell you!"

"No it's not" Francine said, "you were the worst coach ever. You made us do laps if we said something you didn't like, you made Arthur our star player, even though I should've been, and you had no experience whatsoever."

"Well did you kids learn anything from me?" George asked.

"Yes. I learned that I don't want to play for the Yankees if they hire people like you" Francine replied smugly.

"Gaah, George is getting upset!"

* * *

As the other kids prepared to go home, Kramer sat and talked with Jackie.

"Now if we're going to win this case, we need to prove that you weren't thinking clearly when you allegedly spilled the juice" Jackie explained "now, what happened before the photo shoot?"

"Let's see, Elaine came by and gave me all the dresses, so I had to cram them in my locker. Then I went to the bathroom, and I went out for recess, where I played on the swings. I like swings."

"Anything else?"

"Oh, I did see two of my classmates Frenching in the bathroom. They're really into each other, even at so young an age, it's amazing.

"Bingo, there's your excuse" Jackie said "we'll tell the jury you spilled the juice cause you were still shocked by seeing those two in a public display of affection. It was shocking, surprising, and salacious."

"I dunno Jackie, I kinda promised the kids I wouldn't tell anyone" Kramer replied.

"They won't care, they're just kids" Jackie said "besides, they all think everyone has cooties or whatever."

"Yeah, I guess you're right" Kramer replied "if it helps me win the case."

"And gets me my 25 percent" Jackie added.

* * *

In the final chapter, everything gets wrapped up as Kramer prepares for his trial, and Jerry makes snide comments.


	6. Trial of the half century

During lunchtime, Kramer sat with Arthur & Sue Ellen, but was very nervous about talking to the pair.

"You look worried about something" Arthur said "is it the whole thing with Muffy?"

"It's related to that" Kramer explained.

"Don't worry, I'm sure Muffy won't actually sue you" Sue Ellen said "she can be a little mean sometimes, but she's not totally heartless."

"Oh, she's suing" Kramer said "but me and my lawyer, Jackie Chiles, we've got a foolproof strategy."

"You have a lawyer?" Arthur wondered "how can you afford one?"

"I have ways" Kramer replied.

"So what's you defense?" Sue Ellen asked.

Kramer swallowed nervously. "Well, I kind of told Jackie about what happened between us in the bathroom, and he thinks I should tell the court I messed up the photo shoot because of it" he replied, as quickly as possible.

"You can't!" Arthur yelled "you promised you wouldn't tell anyone!"

"I know, but I could lose my shirt here" Kramer said "besides, no one from class will be there. Well, except Muffy, but I'm sure she won't say anything."

"Are you sure there isn't another way?" Sue Ellen asked.

"I wish there was kids, but Jackie's sure it'll work" Kramer said, "tell you what, I promise to defend you if any of your classmates start to tease you. Well, I'm going to see if there's any more pudding" he added as he left the table.

"You don't think he'd really say anything, do you?" Sue Ellen asked Arthur.

"I hope not" Arthur replied.

* * *

He imagined Kramer in court with Jackie Stiles. He and Sue Ellen were sitting in the galley, and their other classmates were the jury. The judge was a strict looking bear man.

"So Mr. Kramer, tell the court why you spilled juice all over Miss Crosswire's dress" Jackie said.

"Cause I was in shock."

"And why were you shocked?"

"Because I saw those two" he pointed to Arthur & Sue Ellen "making out in the bathroom."

"Ewww!" the jury replied.

"Arthur and Sue Ellen, sitting in a tree" Francine sung mockingly "K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

"That is so gross!" Muffy added "I don't want to get near either of you two again. You might infect me with your cooties."

"You don't understand!" Arthur pleaded.

"Forget the current case, what you two have done is a crime against nature" the judge said "jury, do you have a verdict?"

"Yes your honor" Binky said "we find Arthur & Sue Ellen to be gross for kissing each other."

"As punishment, you two will have to stay 50 feet away from each other, forever!" the judge said, pounding his gavel.

"No!" Arthur yelled, as a bailiff pulled him away from Sue Ellen.

* * *

"I don't think it will be exactly like that" Sue Ellen replied "and I'm pretty sure judges don't have the authority to split up people."

"Okay, so I exaggerated a little" Arthur said "but we need to stop Kramer from blabbing about us. The question is, how?"

"The only way is to get Muffy to drop her lawsuit" Sue Ellen explained "then he won't need to testify."

"Good luck doing that" Arthur replied "once Muffy sets her mind on something, she doesn't stop 'till she's done it."

"I'm sure if we appeal to her sense of rationality, we can convince her that this lawsuit is pointless" Sue Ellen told him "come on, we only have a few hours."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at their hotel, George was sulking.

"Well, that was it Jerry" he said "my one chance to mold young minds, taken away because of politics."

"And your parents."

"I was trying to forget about them, thanks" George grumbled.

"Look on the bright side, you tried a new career and it didn't work for you, but you'll always have the experience" Jerry said.

"Experience doesn't get you in the history books Jerry" George said, "you think Bobby Knight would be where he is today if he only had a coaching 'experience?'"

"If he threw some chairs, sure."

"Well to hell with all of them! If they don't want me as their coach, then fine, let their team go down the toilet. I don't need them, I worked for the Yankees, I talked with Stienbrenner! I never really understood what the hell he was saying, but I've talked with him!"

"That's the spirit George" Jerry said "put this whole fiasco aside and prepare yourself for the next one."

"Oh, I'm planning on it" George replied "so, when are we leaving?"

"Later, first we need to meet Kramer at the courthouse."

"I still can't believe an 8-year old is suing him" George said "but then, this whole town is pretty strange. Did you notice that everyone here appears to be some kind of animal?"

"You don't say" Jerry said sarcastically.

"I didn't want to say anything before, because I thought they were wearing costumes or something. But now, it's pretty obvious."

"It is weird" Jerry said "it would make a good comedy routine, though. 'How do animal people use the bathroom? Do they use the toilet, like the rest of us, or do they just go on the ground'. 'Oh, this looks like a good spot to take a leak…'"

"It really makes you think about the origins of the creatures we inhabit this planet with" George said.

"No it doesn't."

* * *

Meanwhile, back at Lakewood, Sue Ellen was having no success in her talks with Muffy.

"But why won't you drop the lawsuit?" she asked.

"I'm sorry, but I have my pride to think of" Muffy answered "if I back down now, people will think the Crosswires are soft, and daddy says that's bad for business."

"I wouldn't think that about you."

"That's nice, but you're my friend, you like me no matter what" Muffy replied "you can't understand the tremendous pressure I endure every day trying to establish a reputation worthy of my name. Why are you so concerned about this, anyway?"

"'Cause Mr. Kramer is our classmate" Sue Ellen replied.

"He's a creepy old man who's getting another chance to go through third grade for some reason" Muffy said "I don't consider him a classmate. I think he's a hipster doofus."

"So there's no chance of you calling off the lawsuit?"

"Not unless he can get me a second chance at a modeling career" Muffy replied.

"If he could, you'd let him off the hook?"

"I'd consider it"

"Thank you Muffy" Sue Ellen said, hugging her monkey friend before she rushed off the hall.

"She's certainly interested in that Kramer for some reason" Muffy said, as she watched her go "maybe she has a crush on him."

* * *

After school, Kramer reported to the local Elwood City courthouse. Soon, Jerry, George & Elaine all arrived as well.

"How long is this going to be?" George asked "I wanna be on a plane back to New York ASAP."

"Easy there George Gipp" Jerry replied.

"George Gipp?"

"Yeah, he was a famous football coach for Notre Dame" Jerry explained "and when he was dying, he told his team to 'get out there and win one for the Gipper.'"

"I always thought that was Ronald Reagan" George replied.

"That's because Reagan appeared in a movie based on his life" Jerry explained.

"I always liked Reagan" George said, "any guy that can be in a movie with a chimp is all right in my book."

"I did not care for how he handled the Iran hostages thing" Jerry said.

"I thought that was Carter."

"I think Reagan came in near the end of it."

"Will you two please shut up!" Elaine yelled "I don't want to hear any of your stupid discussions about dead coaches, or presidents, or Iran or anything else!"

"Looks like somebody got up on the wrong side of the hotel bed this morning" Jerry replied.

"I'm sorry, I was on the phone with Peterman last night explaining the whole thing to him" Elaine said.

"And?"

"Since Kramer got in trouble, I've been ordered to disavow that he was ever hired by me" Elaine said "and Peterman expects me to do the whole fashion shoot by myself."

"So, you sold out Kramer so you won't get in trouble" Jerry said "interesting."

"Don't judge me" Elaine replied "I didn't tell that idiot to drink juice during the photo shoot. And anyway, who thinks an 8-year old is going to sue somebody over something so dumb anyway?"

"Hey Elaine, did you think that girl looked like a monkey?" George asked.

"I didn't want to say anything at first, but yeah."

"You know what I bet her favorite underwear is? Fruit of the Loom" George replied, as he and Elaine giggled at the dumb joke.

"Yeah, and she probably enjoys Banana Boat suntan lotion" Elaine added.

"And shops at Banana Republic" George chimed in.

"So, now you're going from a fruit pun straight to banana ones?" Jerry said "why don't you toss in some jokes about throwing feces while you're at it."

"I don't think there are any" George replied.

"All rise" the court bailiff said "the honorable Judge Crawford presiding.

An imposing looking dog-man took his spot behind the bench as the crowd looked on.

"The judge is a dog?" Jerry asked "shouldn't he be an owl, seeing as they're the wisest animals in the world."

"You, do not speak unless you're spoken to" the judge said, pointing his gavel in Jerry's direction.

"Sorry your honor" Jerry said "judge fido" he said under his breath.

"Did you say something?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"Now then, today we'll hear the case of Crosswire vs. Kramer. Will the plaintiff's attorney please begin their opening statement."

And so, both lawyers delivered statements explaining the facts of the case and why their client was not at fault.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I intend to prove that my client, Cosmo Kramer, is being unfairly accused for something completely stupid" Jackie said "how many of you can claim that you have not spilled something on a piece of clothing? And were you sued for it? I should think not. So why must this man be sued, and taken of his livelihood, for something as innocent as the spilling of juice? Thank you."

As the trial wore on, Kramer was put on the stand, and Jackie prepared to question him.

"Now Mr. Kramer, when you spilled the juice on Miss Crosswire's dress, is it not true that you were not in a right state of mind?" Jackie asked.

"Yes."

"And why was that?"

"Because earlier, I saw something disturbing in the bathroom."

"And what was that?"

"I saw two of my classmates making out" Kramer explained.

"I see, so you would say that the shock of seeing these two young kids in the throes of passion, made you absent-minded about the juice you spilled on the alleged dress?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"No further questions your honor."

"I don't care what he saw, that idiot still ruined my dress!" Muffy shouted "judge, I want you to throw the book at him! Make him pay for it and then send him to jail!"

"Am I the only one who thinks this whole thing is stupid?" Jerry asked.

"Sir, I'll ask you not to speak up again" the judge said, before addressing the jury "now it is up to you to determine what will happen here."

"Actually your honor, we find this case incredibly stupid" said the foreman "but, given Mr. Kramer's employment situation, we find him unable to pay the amount Miss Crosswire is asking, so we rule in favor of the defendant."

"Finally, sweet victory" Jackie said "so, how much does little miss moneybags owe my client? Ten thousand? A hundred?"

"Actually, since your client was the one being sued, and he won, Miss Crosswire owes you nothing" the judge explained.

"This is yet another in a series of humiliating defeats" Jackie replied "I suppose I could consider this a moral victory. But morals won't pay for a new Lexus."

Muffy, meanwhile, left the table she was at and confronted her opponent.

"Don't think this over, because it isn't" she said "if I need to, I'll take this to the highest court in the land. I will have justice."

"It was just a stupid dress!" Elaine yelled from the galley "and anyway, Peterman agreed to re-do the photo shoot, without Kramer."

"Oh, okay then" Muffy replied "in that case, let's forget the whole thing. Now, how about letting me know what you saw in the bathroom?"

* * *

The next day at Lakewood, Muffy & several of the third grade class confronted Arthur & Sue Ellen as they headed to their lockers.

"Say it isn't so buddy!" Buster pleaded.

"What are you talking about?" asked a confused Arthur.

"Mr. Kramer told me he saw you two kissing in the boys' bathroom" she said, "care to explain?"

"I can't believe you went into our bathroom" Binky said to Sue Ellen "girls aren't allowed to touch it."

"And that goes double for Arthur. The touching thing, I mean" Buster added.

"You guys have it all wrong" Arthur said nervously "see, the thing is..."

"The thing is, they were just practicing" Kramer said, appearing from nowhere.

"Practicing?" Francine asked.

"Yeah, Sue Ellen told me she wondered what it would be like to kiss a boy" Kramer explained "so she decided to choose the most average boy she could."

"I did? I mean, I did!" Sue Ellen replied.

"So you two aren't an item?" Muffy asked suspiciously.

"Are you kidding? Think about it, would I date Arthur?" Sue Ellen asked "I mean seriously. And the kiss wasn't all that great either."

"If you say so" Muffy replied "well, I hope you two will come to my new photo shoot later today. It's at my house after school."

"We'll see if we can make it" Arthur said. After their friends left, he turned to Kramer & Sue Ellen "what was that?!"

"Sorry, but Muffy asked me what I saw, and I couldn't lie."

"You lied just now."

"I mean I can't lie in court. I took an oath on the Bible."

Arthur sighed "and what about you Sue Ellen? What was the deal making fun of me?"

"I was just trying to hide our secret" she explained "you know how I really feel about you. I think you're the most handsome boy in the entire school, and there's no one else I'd want as a boyfriend."

"Do you mean that?"

"Of course. And I lied about the kiss, every one with you is special."

"Oh, how could I stay mad at you?" Arthur asked, and hugged the girl.

"Thanks for helping us Mr. Kramer" Sue Ellen said.

"Not a problem" Kramer said "but I'm gonna miss you kids."

"Why?"

"In a few days, I'll get my final report card and know whether or not I pass third grade. I'm hoping I do it this time."

"Well we'll miss you" Arthur said "you were the most 'interesting' classmate we've ever had."

"Weren't you supposed to go back to New York yesterday?" Sue Ellen wondered.

"Yeah, but all my friends still have commitments here" Kramer explained "the judge got fed up with Jerry's comments and made him wear a sign outside the courtroom that says 'I make snide comments.'"

"I wasn't aware judges had that authority" Sue Ellen replied.

"Me neither, but there you are" Kramer replied "He only has to do it for a few more hours, then, after Elaine's photo shoot, we'll be back in the Big Apple."

"I remember when Buster and I visited New York with his dad" Arthur said "if we go there again, maybe we'll look you up."

"Okay, but if I'm hanging out with Lomez, don't come over" Kramer said "he has a tendency to get a little 'salty', if you know what I mean."

"Actually, we don't" Sue Ellen replied.

"That's probably for the best."

"Looks like everything turned out well for everyone" Arthur said "our secret is safe, Mr. Kramer is going to graduate, and Muffy will get her chance to be a model."

"Not everyone" Kramer replied "see my pal George, he was a little short on cash for the airfare home, so he decided to take a job to make what he needed."

"Oh no, he's not going to coach us again, is he?" Arthur asked.

"No, he's found work with another of your friends."

* * *

Meanwhile, over at the Crosswire mansion, Muffy was looking through the various dresses that the J. Peterman catalog had sent over.

"I can't decide which of these looks best" she said "which one do you like?"

Standing nearby, in a tuxedo, was a fully embarrassed George.

"They all look nice, just pick one" he said with gritted teeth.

"I can't just pick one, this is my first shoot as a fashion model" Muffy replied "the first dress I model has to be perfect, or the rest of the shoot will be ruined."

"I'm sure that it doesn't matter" George said, trying to keep his temper under control.

"That's why I'm the model and you're just my temporary butler" Muffy explained "now help me pick a dress or no money for your plane tickets!"

"Jerry!"

THE END.


End file.
